Letting your feelings out about something as traumatizing as losing a child is extremely hard, however I feel like if I’m having problems dealing with my pain, others are too and I should use Hayati as a platform to let other women know that they are not alone.
Two weeks after I lost my son Amir, I did what I knew how to do best when dealing with emotional trauma, I wrote about it. I won’t lie, it actually helped a bit. Periodically, when I felt down I came back and read it again and again. I am not quite sure if that made me feel better, but it was definitely a piece of memory I was not and am still not ready to let go of.
November 12th, 2014
Yes, it is true. People are born and die every minute of every day, but losing a child is like living in hell. Every sound, scent, sight, thought and touch triggers millions of daggers that tear your flesh apart. Suddenly, all your plans, dreams, and possessions are worthless. You would give up your world just to touch or even hear your baby once more. You would trade your life just so your baby could have one more breath. To be honest, you never truly know what pain is till you have lost a child. Yes, family members die and we cry our hearts out, but this pain I am talking about is past tears. It’s an attack to your spirit itself.
Mornings are the hardest part of the day for me. What the hell am I waking up for when my baby, my world, and my love is gone? The silence is deafening. I find myself searching and trying to grasp the fact that my baby is gone. Am I dreaming? Am I in an alternate universe? Is he away with someone and coming back later on? I mean, he can’t possibly be gone. He needs me! How is he going to eat? Who is going to bath him? I don’t want him to be scared. He doesn’t like being alone. I need to go out to find him. But right when I turn around and prepare myself to get out of bed, I see my mom laying next to me with tears rolling down her cheeks. Back to hell we go; is this really what we call life?
I quickly search my brain for fresh memories of my son. I play back the last 24hrs I spent with him, searching for could haves. Once I realize how depressing that is proving to be, I rewind back to the first day I met him. It all started September 9th around midnight. I was on the computer, as usual, looking for baby things, deals, and coupons and reading my daily newsletters from Baby Center and The Bump, when suddenly I felt water rush between my thighs. This was my first pregnancy so the first thing that came to my mind was, “did I actually pee on myself?” When I realized that it wasn’t actually pee, I felt a burst of energy, excitement and anxiety ran through my body. He was on his way and I would finally get the chance to meet him.
Trust me, I was extremely prepared. My bags were already packed, with my birthing plan, bathrobe, toothbrush, makeup, my baby’s coming home outfit, lotion, change of clothes, chargers, my laptop in case I want to watch a movie or listen to music, my phones, and my purse. I was good to go. So… my grandma, uncle and I made our way to the hospital. To me, this felt like the best pregnancy ever. I had no pains throughout my pregnancy, and even through my labor, everything was moving along smoothly.
And here we go again. Back to reality. You can only daydream for so long before life reminds you that it needs to be lived. Now I have to call and find out when the autopsy will be ready, when, where and how he will be buried, how much it will cost, what will become of all his things, what about the savings account I was opening for him, what about all the people I had bragged to about him, and what about his airplane ticket I had booked? How would I take care of it all? Can’t I just leave this world already and go where my son is so I can take care of him. What does he need where he is? If I don’t go then I won’t know.
My parents both took the first flight out to see me, my uncles and my aunt are here, my husband is so far away, my friends and family are calling and even though I am thankful they are all reaching out, all I want to do escape and live in my memories. All I want is to see my child. Messages and calls are full of “don’t worry”, “all will be well” “Allah knows best” “he is in Jannah” blah blah blahhhhhh!!!
As you may begin to notice, I did not write anything for over 10 months now and that is mainly because I tried to suck it up and move on with my life, which I would like to say is not looking like it was such a good idea. I don’t think I gave myself enough time to mourn and now all the bottled up emotions are bursting out of control.
August 30th, 2015
I guess I’m still living in this hell hole if I’m here typing this. But as much as I would like to say that I feel better, I really do not. I went from being sad to convincing myself all will be well, to accepting Allah’s will, to blatantly being angry at the world.
I do not want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to see anyone’s damn face unless I say so, I don’t have space in my mind for anyone’s bullshit, and yes I am cursing which should let you know how angry I really am.
The hardest part about losing a child is living. Going through life with some semblance of being okay, put together and essentially over ‘it’. But how exactly do you do that when all of a sudden you start noticing pregnant women a lot more. Let’s not even talk about babies. You begin to see them everywhere, some are wearing the exact same outfit you bought your child, being pushed in the same stroller and the list goes. People who have not seen you in a long time start asking you with excitement “OMG! How’s your baby?”. Depending on my mood, I’ll either say Alhamdulillah and keep it pushing, sometimes I even catch myself saying “he is fine” and then other times I just tell them straight up “he passed away”.
Then you have those fuckers who want to be sorry for you at the most awkward time. At the grocery store, restaurant, spa or some random office. Don’t you see me trying to live my life? If you were so concerned, why didn’t you call or send me a message? As far as I’m concerned, that is pure evil.
Where is my faith, people are quick to ask? Don’t you trust that Allah knows best and that he will not give you more than you can bare? Don’t you know that your child is in Jannah waiting for you and shall be there to welcome you? My dear friends, having faith has nothing to do with how I feel. I believe in Allah! I believe that he has prepared me for this moment. But I also know that I am only human and my emotions, memories and pain are right where I left them.
Nevertheless, although I am angry and pained, I understand that life goes on and that I have to take charge of it before it takes charge of me. But I need everyone around me to understand that sometimes I will be down, sometimes I will not want to talk, I will want to be alone, I will want to stay in bed, I will find comfort in crying and sometimes all I want to do is lock myself up and talk to Allah all day. But whatever I choose to do, know that I’ll be fine, it may be hard, it may take time and to be fair, it may never go away, but I will be fine insha’Allah.
So that is it in a nutshell. If you have been through something similar or are currently going through it, know that you are not alone. Know that if anything, I am here if you need someone to talk to. After all, no one can really relate unless they’ve been through it.
You can email me at Fatima@hayatimagazine.com or leave me a comment and ill be glad to get back to you asap insha’Allah. If it takes me time to reply… not to add to your stress but I’m probably having one of the those days lol.