A Guide to Asexual Muslim Women

Bismillah,

We marry for different reasons; looks, money, deen, romantic attraction, physical attraction, sexual attraction, etc. While there are good and bad consequences to each of our choices, it’s important to note that some of the choices we make such as marrying based on sexual attraction can become problematic if both partners don’t know themselves well.

For instance, one might confuse romantic attraction with physical attraction or even with sexual attraction only to find out that one is asexual. So what is an asexual person? It’s a person who has low to absent interest in sex.

If you know you are asexual, please don’t hide that from your partner, it’s cruel. Put yourself in his shoes. Otherwise, you will cause him to cheat on you if he can’t control his desires. He will need an outlet like everybody else. Check out some tips to deal with your problem.

1. You should tell your husband

Your husband has the right to know your condition. It’s only fair and considerate. It’s very possible that he will not believe you and think that you’ve made it all up to get out of having sex if you aren’t claiming to be lesbian. Let him know that there is such a thing and that there is also an Asexual Awareness Week. Tell him also that this orientation is not only limited to women. Many men are affected by this. And that for some men it’s by choice. They only want to have blissful sex in Jannah and not in this life.

2. You should let your husband get another wife

A person overwhelmed by lust can fall in the traps of zina, adultery, and much worse; molesting and groping other people. Please don’t let him consider haram outlets to satisfy his needs in ways he sees fits because you denied him his rights. If you can’t be intimate with your husband, please be considerate enough to let him have his needs satisfied. Allowing him to marry another woman with whom he can enjoy himself will take the stress and guilt away from your mind because you can’t satisfy him that way. Your actions will be commendable insha’Allah. Besides, that’s also being a feminist. Polygamy is social welfare and looking out for your sisters in Islam.

3. You can stay together or split

Many asexual people find celibacy the best option to avoid being pigeonholed in a relationship that can put a damper on their actual wants. Just because society expects us to marry doesn’t mean marriage is for everyone. Sex is also not for everyone. One can be romantically attracted to a spouse and not feel any type of sexual or physical attraction toward that spouse.

4. Find a support group

They will help you deal with your orientation. It will be like group therapy and you will be able to relate to their experiences as well. Knowing what you’re dealing with makes it easy to tackle. This will also help you educate others on asexuality.

Do not let society dictate who to be or what you do with your sex life. Take charge of your own life and embrace the asexual being that you are. Allah didn’t make a mistake in creating you. He made you that way for a reason. Rejoice. To end, it is said in Women in the Quran by Asma Lamrabet that Anna, mother of Maryam (aleihi salam) asked Allah to make Maryam free of the desires of this world; that includes carnal love.  We can all draw our conclusions from there.

Read more here if your situation is the other way around.

Jazakh’Allah khair for reading,

Papatya*

Papatia Feauxzar

Papatia Feauxzar is the Love & Relationship Editor of Hayati Magazine. Feauxzar is also a Muslim Publisher and an American author of West African descent living in Dallas, Texas with her son and husband. She holds a master’s degree in Accounting with a concentration in Personal Finance. After working as an accountant for a corporate firm for almost five years, Feauxzar decided to pursue Accounting from home while homeschooling her son. You can visit her website at www.djarabikitabs.com.

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