You know what’s ageless? A fight between a couple. It never gets old. You’ll always argue about something. After the hurtful words and deep wounds we inflict upon each other, we go through a period of silent rage, and then we decide to move past it. This is the forgiveness state. So why do we decide to forgive our spouses? We do it for many reasons. Some reasons include love, the amazing sex maybe, the guilt on another issue, religion, the stigma associated with becoming a divorcee, and/or children. I’ll develop each of my points but don’t mistake this list for a comprehensive one. There are many other reasons I don’t know about. I’ll only talk about what I know.
We love our partners no matter how shady, mean, taunting, gross, crafty, you name it, they can be. At the end of the day, we realize that they’re our kryptonite and that’s the reason we wed them. It’s also the reason why we have to forgive them. No one is perfect. They complete us and make us who we are. Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) loves us and He forgives us no matter what we do. He still gives us second chances and more. Thinking about that, we realize that we have to give second, third, more chances to our partners. This is hard to do. But if we can’t forgive them, then something is wrong with us. If He created us to His image, then the love He gave us should warrant the forgiveness we grant to our partners.
- The sex
Chemistry is the name of the game when it comes to forgiveness. Alhamdulillah, I really excelled in it in college. But I’m not talking about the academic Chemistry. When a couple has the love chemistry type, they trust each other, they lose themselves in each other. The way they make each other feel in bed could be another reason they forgive each other’s mistakes. In fact, I heard of this couple who divorced but because they had that amazing sex chemistry, they decided to put their issues aside and still meet every now and then to do the ‘dirty deed’. Now, I’m not advertising zina. For from it, I’m trying to support the fact that great sex is another reason two persons can see past their differences and stay connected conservatively or non-conservatively.
- Guilt on another issue
So you have a fight and you’re mad beyond control. Then, you internally curse your half. You run all the scenarios in your head of what you should have said to inflict a deeper cut. Along the way, your conscience takes you down memory lane to remind you that maybe because you lied to your spouse about something else important, Allah is punishing you with the discord you’re facing. Now, because you feel guilty over this ‘dirty secret’, you prefer to let your anger slide and rekindle with your loved one. I’m sure each one of us has been there. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.
We all heard the hadith that says that an angry person will not enter paradise. Who doesn’t want a great afterlife? Even non-believers want a reward in another life. That said, being angry is a normal human response but for our sake in the afterlife and the poison being angry creates within us, we find it easy and healthy to let it go and start a new page.
- The stigma of becoming a divorcee
This is a no brainer. Sometimes, the fear of this stigma keeps us from holding a grudge. Not everybody feels brave to start over. A new life also comes with new challenges different from the past life. And because you already know what you’re up against in your current situation, you stay where familiarity is best for you. Besides, what’s a marriage without any tests? Now, don’t stay there if you’re being abused.
The thought that our children may become broken can make a couple put their need to be separated on the back burner. I have seen and heard of many women who sacrificed their own happiness so that their children can have both parents raising them in the same home. When the children were old enough to be independent, the couples parted ways with no hard feelings.
Above all, we all need forgiveness. We’re only humans and sometimes we’re blind when we act. It’s just the self-centeredness in us. May Allah help us become better servants and partners, amiin.